Save Me
by DemonGirlAndProudOfIt
Summary: My personal interpretation of how Sam deals with not being the "perfect little solider" and how his childhood affected him then and continues to affect him. Title and song lyrics from Remy Zero's "Save Me"


Title: Save Me

Pairing: No pairing, gen

Rating: M (to be safe)

Characters: Sam, Dean, John

Word count: 759

Spoilers: So far, as long as you have seen season 1 you will be fine

Warnings (This chapter): Mention of a canon character death, angst, alcoholism, allusions to past prostitution by Dean. Unbeta'd

Summary: My personal interpretation of how Sam deals with not being the "perfect little solider" and how his childhood affected him then and continues to affect him. Title and song lyrics from Remy Zero's "Save Me"

_I feel my wings have broken in your hands_

Dean was always supposed to have looked after him, and he had but it hadn't been quite enough, sure Dean had always done what he had to for food in order to provide for them, buying the cheapest possible, and no there was going to be no begging (Winchesters didn't beg) and stealing. Sam also had his suspicions that dean had engaged in a few more unsavory practices in order to support them. More than once he had seen dean limping and with a few bruises that didn't look like the type that you would get while hunting, but Sam had been smart enough to keep his mouth shut. It's not like the Winchesters were known for their high moral standards.

Dean had always tried his best to cheer Sam up when he was younger and sulking about having to move schools once again, just when he had made new friends to. Despite this Sam couldn't help but feel that maybe he wasn't cut out for the hunting life, he hated the long nights, the uncertainty, no being in one place for very long, he wanted stability, a home, love, the apple pie life as Dean called it_._

_I feel the words unspoken inside_

He knew that dad loved him, but he couldn't help but notice the way that dad sometimes looked at him after a hunt, there was something in his eyes that Sam couldn't quite read that made him feel like he was a disappointment. Dean never got that look, he was always the good little solider, always ready and willing to do whatever was asked of him, no questions asked just "yes sir".

Dean seemed to thrive on a hunt staking and shooting any sons of bitches that got in his way, and reveled in the way that dad had allowed him more independence as he had gotten older. Sam however had found himself dragging his feet whenever they went to investigate new leads and found themselves once again on the road. He started to dream if a life that was vastly different from the one that he knew, one that was filled with laughter, parties, and a nine to five job. Sam had always been good at school, success had come to him naturally and with ease, he gained the name Bigfoot from the guys at school and the girls were drawn to his bangs and puppy dog eyes.

The teachers often made examples out of his work, drawing embarrassment from Sam and more than the occasional shoving into lockers from the bullies, but he found that that didn't bother him too much, he felt more than capable of taking them on if things got too rough and John seemed to actually approve of the injuries he sustained, taking it as a sign that Sam was roughing up and becoming a man, ready to take over the family business and make dad proud.

For all his efforts at school john did t seem to pay any attention, more often than not John was too drunk to notice or care, staring blankly at the TV barely acknowledging Sam's presence, more focused on the game and the beer bottle in his hand then the academic achievements of his youngest son. So when he had by some miracle managed to achieve his GED, the decision to leave home and go to the furthest possible college that was as far away from John as it was possible to be did it really feel like he had a choice at all, but rather it had always been what he had meant to do, what he'd had to do. He wasn't sure how mom would have felt about all of this, but he was sure that she would have encouraged him to do what he felt was right, even if that meant he had to hurt the things he loved the most.

He did love dad and Dean it was just he couldn't deal with the hurt and the blame that was never expressed by them. The blame that that he knew was there just waiting to come out, and it had come out, the night that John had found the notes that Sam had taken from the careers counselor at school about how to get into Stanford.  
Sam had made the mistake of leaving his pack on the kitchen floor while he went to the bathroom and when he had come back he had found dad there clenching the paper in his hand, glaring at him, Sam what is this?


End file.
